The Perfect Woman (Part III)

[This is the third part in a series, for part I, click here. For part II, click here.]

Characteristic Five: She can Share

If you are finding yourself constantly arguing with her about the time you spend with your friends, choose them. Don’t think it will get any better. It won’t. In fact, it will get worse. Friday poker game? Nope. Tom’s for NFL Monday night Football? Nada.

But if she encourages you to do things without her, that’s a good sign. She’s got some security with you and will likely give you friend room once you’ve kissed the bride.

Characteristic Six: She’s Mentally and Physically Healthy

Scenario One: You dated a girl for a year, six months ago you proposed and the wedding is coming up in another six months. Then she’s diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.

Scenario Two: Same as above, but instead of cancer, she’s diagnosed with clinical depression.

You have three choices—two of which are going to make you look an asshole:

First, you can go through with the marriage as planned.

Second, you can break up with her now and never speak to her or her family again (trust me, they aren’t going to want to hear from you anyway.)

Third, you can postpone the wedding (likely for several years) until she gets a clean bill of health.

Statistically one of the best predictors of failure in the first five years of marriage is major illness. Even if it occurs after marriage. Why would anyone want to marry someone who has a chronic or possibly terminal illness when they are most likely to get divorced in the first couple years.

I have been through possibly fatal illness with my wife. Seeing her through that time was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. And that was after we had been married for 16 years. I can virtually guarantee we would have divorced if it had happened in the first year of marriage.

Characteristic Seven: You Can Talk about Her Flaws

She’s doing something that really bugs you. Can you talk about it without her going all “Fatal Attraction” on you? If not, one of you isn’t suited for this relationship—either you don’t know how to express your needs properly with her, or she can’t respond to your needs.

Either way, it’s not a good sign.

Characteristic Eight: She’s Faithful

WARNING: OFFENSIVE, SEXIST LANGUAGE TO FOLLOW

I told my boys to avoid three kids of women: Psychos, Bitches and Ho’s.

Why? Simple: The best predictor of future behavior in any area is previous behavior.

If she’s psycho now, she’ll likely continue to be psycho. If she’s a bitch now, she’s likely to be a bitch a year from now. And if she cheats on you…

You get it.

Characteristic Nine: She is a Seven

That is, if you are a seven. If you bring a girl out with your friends and they all say, “Um, I’m surprised you’re dating her, she’s not your type.” What they are saying is one of two things: Either she’s too hot for you or you’re too hot for her.

When the 9 hottie accidentally marries the 4 Star Trek nerd, when she Dr. McCoy makes a pass at her, she’s leaving you in his Mercedes shuttle craft.

When I say “hot” referring to you, it’s not just about your looks. Let me explain:

A guy who is a 5 in the looks department who is funny and/or financially secure might get a bump to a 7. Intelligence can add a point or so as well.

Keep in mind as well that some women who are 7’s think they are a 10. You’ve seen those disastrous American Idol auditions, right? Well if she truly thinks she’s a 10, the same thing will happen. She’ll think she’s too good for you and will cause even worse problems. Imagine: How can you tell your woman she’s a sexy 7 rather than the 10 she thinks she is?

Characteristic Ten: She Doesn’t Want to Be Your Mother, Psychiatrist or Sponsor

Many women have a need to nurture and help others. That is to be commended. The problem comes when the woman you are dating doesn’t want you, the you now, but the you she intends to make you.

Hear that alarm? This is not a drill, hurry in an orderly fashion to the nearest exit.

Like to drink? Maybe a little too much? She knows you do, but is planning to get you off the bottle and on the cure in the first 6 months. Overweight but love your fudge dipped sub sandwich with an order of cheesy curly fries and washed down with a Big Slurpy milkshake made from real whole fat cream and flavored with bacon grease? She’s got the plan that includes tofu and rice cakes for you.

There you have it: The ideal woman for you. Let me know what you think.

[To see the three articles in this series, click here.]