How to Identify the Perfect Woman

Dame Wiggins of Lee from “Matters of Little Consequence” recently put up an article describing the perfect man, so I thought I would do one on the perfect woman.

I’ve given this some thought. Her post was hilarious. I tried that. All of my attempts look like sad imitations–a kindergartener’s Mona Lisa.

So I decided to tell the truth.

Personally I have been married for 24 years. Most of it happy. Most of it mutually fulfilling. I’m not sure how to quantify success in marriage, but we have gotten to a place of very few regrets and where we would rather be together than apart. So I think that’s about the most anyone can hope for in marriage.

If you are a man looking for a woman, this post will help you figure out how to pick a woman who will help you meet your goals. (More on this in a minute.) If you are a woman, read Wiggy’s post—you may not like what I have to say here.

I’m serious. Ladies, if you read this post and are offended, tough cookies. Grow up. Get a life. Grow some balls. Oh, wait, forget that last one. Feel free to comment if you do, but if you get all whiney about how this post is sexist or something, just remember it wasn’t written for you. Men will recognize this is how they think.

OK men, here goes.

Understand What Woman will Meet Your Goal

Women have a significant role in your life. When you are hungry, a woman who bakes killer pies—even if it’s your mom—might be the best woman for you. Can you learn to cook for yourself? Sure, but sometimes you might want someone to wait on you.

Some men make a “lifelong” commitment to a woman who they want to schtupp. Look, marriage is not just about sex—don’t get me wrong, sex is a big part of marriage—it’s just not the only thing. Sex is the easy part. Marriage is so much more.

If you want to sleep with a particular woman, seduce her. Listen to David D’Angelo and screw her brains out. If she’s willing to sleep with you without much of a commitment then you two are on the same level.

Maybe you just want to sleep with a hot woman but aren’t too choosy about who. Rent one. Most decent size cities have escort services and will set you up for a fee. Prostitutes are like lawyers—sure they may not have high morals, but sometimes you need someone to take care of the dirty work without the complications.

Does this offend your moral code? Fine, then do what I do and save sex for a marriage relationship. I just don’t think you ought to marry a hot woman when the only thing you want from her is sex—it’s not fair to her and it’s stupid on your part.

So what’s your goal? Feeling like you want mom? Go see mom—or see your friend’s mom, tell her she’s great and maybe she’ll make you some of those Reese’s Pieces chocolate peanut butter cookies.

But let’s think about THE woman. You know what I mean: THE ONE. The one to marry. The one to grow old with. The one who will service little Willie for the rest of your life.

Characteristic One: You Find Her Hot

If you can’t wait to get into her pants either you are either gay (in which case compare you desire for her to your desire for your best man), or you about to make one of the biggest mistakes of your life.

Over the last 20+ years I have formally and informally counseled many men who married the “right” girl. Some of them were never really sexually attracted to their spouse, but the marriage made sense. In a few cases the wife had talked them into marrying them.

Most of these guys were good husbands and valued their spouse, they just had a disappointing sex life.

Guys: SEX IS IMPORTANT TO US. Given the opportunity it continues to be important for decades to come. Trust me, unless you have health problems, the present you most want for your 65th birthday is going to be a blow job. If you marry someone you’re not sexually attracted to you’re going to be sorry.

To be continued…

To see all the articles in this series, click here.